Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
