Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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