either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
