it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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