I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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