My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So gin and wine won't be happening again
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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