shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
