I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
