She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
