So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
