she woke up with a sticky ear
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
