before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
