So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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