Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
COCAINE IS GR8
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
