so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
