yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
