everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
