There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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