The maid of honor just puked.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
