I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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