As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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