so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
