i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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