You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This is the high leading the old right now
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
