i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Pants are for mortals
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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