Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
