We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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