Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
