her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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