Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
