If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm always down for nudity.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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