I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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