C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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