and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
