He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
