Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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