God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
