My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
there is glitter all over my balls
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