I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
