I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
