You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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