3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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