my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
