my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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