I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
