"it" just moved
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
