Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
