saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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