I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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