Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
