"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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